Semoga setiap inci hati yang pecah dan bercalar-balar dapat dicantum rapi.

Kalau ada orang yang percaya kau, cinta lah dia.

Kalau ada orang yang nampak kau waktu kau takde, cinta lah dia.

Kalau ada orang yang sanggup teman kau waktu kau susah, cinta lah dia.

Kalau ada orang yang paham liku gerak hati kau

Buruk bangsat perangai kau
Jijik sial rahsia kau
Betapa kotor-nya pikiran kau

Apa yang kau buat bila kau sorang-sorang
Dan naluri mengada-ngada kau


Cinta lah dia.



-elhamrebel-

Hati aku betul-betul dah hancur.

Kau puas?

Kau gembira?

Kau yang dekat sana tu, kau dah menang.

Kau dah dapat apa yang kau nak.

Kau dah betul-betul hancurkan aku.

Kau, kalau kau betul-betul sayang aku,

kau akan fight untuk dapatkan aku balik.

Tapi aku tahu, kau tengah berbahagia.

Kau tak akan faham apa yang aku rasa.

Kau tak akan faham betapa sakit pedih peritnya hati aku.

Kau orang yang aku paling percaya.

Orang yang aku paling tak jangka akan buat aku macam ni.

Mungkin aku yang bodoh.

Bodoh sebab percaya kau.

Bodoh sebab sayang kau.

Sayang sangat.

Dari dulu.

Tengok sekarang apa kau buat dekat aku.

Tengok.

Tengok apa dah jadi dekat aku sekarang.

Aku dah hancur.

Terima kasih.

Terima kasih juga dekat kau, perempuan.

Sebab kau dah hancurkan hati kaum kau sendiri.

Tak sangka.

2 tahun and nothing.

Ya, 2 tahun.

2 tahun aku percaya kau.

Tapi dalam sekelip mata kau buat aku macam ni.

Terima kasih banyak.

Hobi baru.

Menangis setiap malam.

Dulu.

Dulu aku pernah sayang someone.

Someone yang kononnya sangat baik.

Yang aku tak pernah sangka rupanya hm.

Aku dengan dia jauh.

Jauh sangat.

Satu hari tu, kantoi dia ada awek lain.

Awek yang dekat dengan dia.

Rupanya dorang dah lama.

Rupanya aku yang perampas walaupun aku tak pernah tahu.

Tapi sebenarnya aku ada instinct.

Aku macam boleh tahu kalau orang tipu aku.

Dari dulu lagi.

So aku cari perempuan tu.

Aku cerita.

Dia kata lelaki dia baik.

Dia kata dia percaya lelaki dia.

Dan lelaki tu kata, aku yang salah.

Aku yang paksa dia couple dengan aku.

Malam tu, perempuan tu call.

Dia kata lelaki tu nak call dia kejap lagi, nak terangkan everything.

 So dia suruh aku dengar through phone.

Aku dengar.

Mati-mati lelaki tu salahkan aku.

Mati-mati dia pujuk perempuan tu.

Aku?

Dia langsung tak peduli.

Aku sendiri tengok hati aku hancur.

Aku sendiri jugak yang kutip cantum balik.

Banyak kali dah benda macam ni jadi.

Banyak sangat.

Kalau kau boleh tengok hati aku ni, rasanya kau boleh nampak dia retak sana sini.

Bertampal, bergam.

So tell me how not to be insecure?

Tell me how to trust.

And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

Monolog #2

Kau tahu tak kenapa hati kau sakit sekarang?
Kenapa kau fikir macam-macam, bukan-bukan?
Kenapa kau rasa insecure pasal diri sendiri?
Kenapa kau susah nak percaya dekat orang?

Sebab kau biar kisah silam keluarga kau bagi effect dekat kau.
Sebab kau takut benda sama jadi dekat kau.
Sebab kau takut kau akan kehilangan.

Sebab kau lemah sangat.
Lemah.
Menyedihkan.

 Dah tak macam kau yang dulu.
Sebab kau yang dulu lagi kuat dari sekarang.
Kau yang dulu boleh tinggalkan, lupakan orang yang sakitkan kau.
Kau yang dulu boleh balas balik lagi teruk daripada
apa yang orang lain buat dekat kau #gelak sinis
Kau yang dulu pernah terfikir nak tamatkan riwayat diri sendiri
 tapi kau tak buat sebab kau kuat.
Kau yang dulu tak menggigil menangis macam ni.

Kau yang dulu boleh menangis berjam-jam, masuk bilik air, cuci muka dan okay semula.
Kau yang dulu adalah fighter.

Mana kau?

Mereka kata, masa 'kan mengubati.
Mereka kata, semuanya akan baik-baik sahaja.
Tapi, mereka hanya bijak berkata-kata.

Yang menanggungnya, aku.
Yang merasainya, aku.
Yang lukanya, aku.


-Mereka Kata, Aku Rasa, Tanpa Nama-

 

 

Berderai satu satu isi hati, jatuh ke tanah. 

Berkecai.

Terlapah satu satu emosi, menitis airmata kecewa.

Merintih.

Dan sejadah ini saksi.

Hari ini, seperti sebelumnya, aku mati, lagi.

 

-Lagi, Tanpa Nama-

'Tahu tak apa masalah kau?'

'Apa?'

'Kau selalu insecure pasal semua benda.'

Monolog dalaman dalam diri sendiri.

Kadang-kadang aku jealous tengok orang lain ada someone yang dorang boleh panggil sahabat. Aku memang ramai kawan, ramai. Tapi aku sendiri tak tahu yang mana aku boleh panggil sahabat. Yang mana betul-betul ada bila aku jatuh, bila aku sedih, bila aku gembira. Yang aku boleh share semua benda. Yang tak akan pernah jemu layan aku. Yang betul-betul anggap aku sahabat.

Kadang-kadang aku takut kalau-kalau aku syok sendiri anggap dorang sahabat aku padahal dorang tak rasa benda yang sama. Aku takut.

Aku jealous tengok orang lain ada sahabat yang sama-sama bimbing sesama sendiri untuk berubah. Yang selalu ada bila-bila masa. Mungkin aku ada sahabat macam tu. Mungkin aku yang tak nampak. Mungkin.

Semester 5.
What can I say?
Major disaster.
But not the whole part of it #sigh

Aku tersungkur, jatuh teruk, parah.
Paling kuat dugaan.
Paling lemah nak hadapi.
Menangis, meratap.

Semester 5, aku paling jatuh.
Final exam yang paling teruk dalam sejarah hidup.
Mungkin Allah nak duga.
3 subjects paling mengecewakan.
Tak boleh nak jawab.
Tak pernah-pernah aku keluar awal masa final.

Menangis sepanjang jalan.

Kecewa dengan diri sendiri.
Kecewa, sangat.


Result?
Allah je yang tahu betapa remuk hati aku bila tengok result macam tu.
Aku ada sem depan je untuk tebus balik.
Insyaallah.

I've seen the people I love lose their loves one.
I've seen people broke their promises.
I've seen people lose their trust.
So tell me how I can get rid of my own insecurity?
Tell me how not to feel afraid that it might happen to me.
Tell me how to trust.

Aku bukan wanita yang pandai berkata-kata
Yang pandai bermanja mengambil hati
Yang pandai meluahkan segala apa yang terbuku dalam hati
Aku simpan
Pendam dalam-dalam.
Mati.

Broken and shattered.

Aku jatuh, tersungkur.
Hati, luka berdarah.

How could you do this to me?
I'm not the special one, i'm not the only one, am I?
My heart just broke.

I forgive you.

Terima kasih atas segalanya yang telah kau beri, amat kuhargai.

Hidup adalah sebuah perjalanan.
Apabila telah tiba suatu waktu, kita  akan terbaring sepi,
tidak bernafas lagi, dan hilang terus dari dunia yang selama ini kita jalani.

Dan hidup bukanlah sebuah perlumbaan.
Pekerjaan bukanlah satu pelarian yang memungkinkan untuk sebarang kejatuhan
apabila kita gagal dan tidak lagi berjaya.
Kegagalan merupakan sebuah permulaan untuk kehidupan.
Dan kehidupan adalah sebuah perkataan pertama untuk kematian.

Petak Daud - Menuju Nafas Terakhir

In my brain I see your face again.

No ceramic heater
no sleeping bag
no thermal wear
beats your warm embrace
No scotch fingers
dipped in hot chocolate
could compare to you
could compare to you 

Right in the middle
of that frozen aisle
witnessed by trolleys,
milk, yogurts
and cheese
With a ring, you promised
to stay by my side
no matter how many
maladies
shoot me from the sky
And I pledged
to age with you
till I die 

 You by Wani Ardy

**

I'm pathetic and i'm sorry.
I'm too much for you to handle.
I'm complicated.
I'm selfish.
I'm torn on the inside.
I'm always overthinking.
Assuming things.
Insecure.

But I just want your attention, all of your love.
To be able to feel that i'm the only one, i'm the one you really love and you're proud of that.
I just want to feel special, to feel appreciated. 
To feel that you really want me, that you're happy with me.
To not feel insecure.
I want you to tell the whole world that i'm yours.
I want people to know that you're mine.
I want you to be there and comfort me everytime i'm mad or sulking or wanted an attention.
Pujuk me, not leave me and do nothing.
Not just sit there with total silent.
It break my heart.
It's like i'm troubling you and you don't seem to bother at all.

'Awak nak buat perangai awak tu, go ahead.'
It hurt on the inside.
I just want to feel loved. 

To call you and talk, a long talk. Bukan silent and 'ada apa lagi nak cakap?'
I'm bothering you am I?
Macam tak suka langsung nak bercakap. 
Nak cerita apa pun kena fikir banyak kali sebab you don't seem to bother or have any interest.
Dari dulu.
Merajuk, pujuk diri sendiri.

To talk to you about everything.
About yourself.
About your life.
Anything.
Anything at all.

Sakit.
Dan penat.
 
It's the same thing over and over.
Pujuk and be there. 
That's all.

You don't know what it is like to be like me.

Have you ever feel the moment bila kau dah penat dengan something and rasa dah give up.

Bila kau fed up and benci dengan semua benda.

Bila kau rasa sedih, marah sampai sakit dada dan semua bercampur-baur dan kau hanya mampu menangis dan menangis.

Menangis untuk keluarkan semua yang kau rasa, semua yang kau simpan dalam-dalam.

Menangis sampai dah tak mampu bercakap,  sampai satu tahap kau dah tak mampu menangis.
Kau bangun, masuk bilik air, tengok muka dekat cermin, tengok betapa bengkaknya muka kau, kau cuci muka dan keluar.
Keluar dan cuba jadi kuat balik.
Berpura-pura macam nothing happened.
And you wear back that fake smile.
For the sake of the people you love.
Have you?
You'll never know how much it hurt.

Everytime I said I am okay, I cried on the inside.

I am a broken pieces.

I thought I was strong enough to face everything, to go through everything and being strong for the people I love, but i'm not.
I thought that life gonna be easy and everyone gonna be happy but I was wrong.
I thought I've done the best I could, but I didn't.
I thought i'm not gonna cry in the middle of the night anymore, but I still did.
I thought I have everyone for me, but I feel alone and lonely.
Ya Allah, things are too hard.
Please ease everything and put a smile to the people I love.

My favourite.

There's still a good time even when you're tired of everything and feel like your life is upside down.
Mine is when I met my favourite person and ate good foods.

Memories are better left as memories.

As I packed my stuffs and put everything back into its place, I realized that I still cling onto the past.
There's stuffs like pictures and else that I still keep.
Things that I shouldn't be keeping.
*sigh* Stupid me.
I've always being the type of person who always cherish every memories that I have.
And keep everything that I think important.
Keeping memories is good, but keep only the good one.
I should get rid of everything unnecessary and start all over.
A fresh start.
And an empty drawer to put a new things, new memories.

We're still in the process of moving out. 50% I guess.
There's still too many things to pack.

Pray to Allah, He always there.

Some people can be so selfish and think only about themselves.
I just don't get it.
Don't you think of the feeling of the people around you?
How can you be so selfish?
If I have the power to change everything and make everything better, I've done it, long ago.
But I can't.
I can't do anything about that.
And my du'a is my only hope.
Pray for the happiness of the peole around me and the people I love.
Pray that everything gonna be okay someday.

There's a rainbow after rain.

Live your life to the fullest.
Face all tests from Allah calmly and redha.
Because everything gonna be worth it one day.
What's life without challenges, right?

Don't expect too much, berpada-pada.

 Kita marah2 sbb nk dia buat apa yg kita rasa fit dgn piawaian kita. Like, why dont u call me enough, why dont you love me enough, etc. Sbb we have certain expectation. Bila ia x menepati, itu yg buat kita frust. Kita jd kejam sbb kita frust.

                                                                                             Fynn Jamal.

I'm the type of person who find it difficult to express what I feel deep inside.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Too many thoughts.

Too many things.

Kept.

Inside my head.

Wanted to spill it out.

But I just don't know how.

And nobody's there to listen.

Cause I know, when I do so, I won't get the respond I expected to get.

Too dull.

Too frustrated.

And I give up.

On spilling my thoughts.

I keep it, tightly inside my head.

Sometimes people don't really understand your feeling cause they didn't going through what you've been going through.

love,

nurulainfarhana

True love is a love with no reason at all.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

True love is a love with no reason at all.

If you are rich, one day you can become poor.

Your beauty or handsome can vanish once you turn old.

If you're good with something, one day another person will be better than you.

True love have no reason.

You just love.

Love everything about that person.

Even their flaws.

How does it happen?

Boom! It just happen.

Even you, yourself can't explain why you choose that person.

Why him/her rather than million of other people.

No matter how ugly or bad that person is, they seems to be pretty and good in your sight.

No matter what other people may said about your partner, you still love them.

It is because you're in love.

Love without a reason.

It just happen.

And because of hormons maybe.

love,

nurulainfarhana

Big girl don't cry.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Background: Bee Gees-To Love Somebody

 

Sometimes I can be all emotional, feeling sad and drown in tears even without a reason.

I don't know why but my feeling can change in a blink of eyes.

And right now is one of the time.

Time of the month? Nope, not yet.

It's just that i'm feeling so emotional and miserable deep inside. 

My thoughts are all mix up and jumble. 

I'm happy with my life right now. I am? Yeah, hm of course.

I'm scared that once i'm too happy with something, it will be gone someday.

That it will be taken from me.

I'm scared that the happiness I have is not real.

I've seen people break into pieces just because their happiness were not real and gone.

Vanished just like vapors.

Sometimes I feel so insecure of all the things I have.

Of all people around me.

Are they real, are they really there for me? 

Sometimes I just feel like I don't belong here.

I don't belong to anyone.

I feel like I don't have anyone, nobody love me.

Nobody really love me.

Nobody appreciate me.

 Hm i'm that pathetic.

My feeling is just so complex.

I longed for someone to show their love to me.

Show how much they love, how much they care.

Even with the tiny littlest way.

Tell the world that i'm important.

That I should not feel inseure.

Yeah, i'm that greedy.

I'm tired of the feeling of being left out.

I'm tired of thinking whether people really accept me, whether I've done wrong or not,

whether I've said something wrong, whether I should remains cool and act like i'm okay.

I want to be the special one.

I know I should be thankful for what I have but i'm too scared that someday when I open my eyes, it all gone.

That I'll be all alone.

love,

nurulainfarhana

Seize the day.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

You'll never know what would happen the next day. 

Hari ni kau berjanji sehidup semati tapi esok mungkin kau menyampah dan bosan dengan pasangan kau. 

Hari ni mungkin kau cakap kau sayang kat dia dan tidak akan menduakan. 

Tapi kau juga yang bakal melanggar apa yang kau katakan tu.

Manusia adalah makhluk pelanggar janji. 

Selalunya apa yang dijanjikan amat susah untuk ditunaikan. 

Secara jujurnya adalah lebih elok untuk tidak berjanji. 

Kadang-kadang janji-janji kita ni akan memakan diri.

Kadang-kadang kita berdosa untuk bersikap jujur. 

Kata-kata jujur-walaupun benar, namun ia akan dihina. 

Kadang-kadang hidup ini adalah lebih baik menjadi hipokrit untuk diterima dari bersikap jujur. 

AwekChuckTaylor-Nami Cob Nobbler

love,

nurulainfarhana

Belajar by Wani Ardy.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Aku manusia biasa, kadang sia

Melihat hujan sebagai rahmat; biar basah kuyup ia bukan beban
Mencari sayang di dalam benci; merendah diri, membuka hati
Melihat gelas separuh penuh; yang kosong itu mungkin kita perlu
Mencari syukur dalam tiap-tiap dugaan Tuhan

Sukarnya namun aku belajar

Melihat hujan sebagai rahmat; biar basah kuyup ia bukan beban
Mencari helai daun yang hijau, dalam terbentang luas kemarau
Melihat gelas separuh penuh; yang kosong itu mungkin kita perlu
Mencari syukur dalam tiap-tiap dugaan Tuhan

Sukarnya namun aku belajar.

 

Belajar by Wani Ardy. 

 

The lyrics is just so beautiful.

love,

nurulainfarhana

I don't quite know how to say how I feel.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Berlawan dengan perasaan sendiri boleh membunuh.

love,

nurulainfarhana

Why am I doing this to myself?

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

                  
 Jessie J-Who you are.

' Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising.'

love,
nurulainfarhana 

Loneliness.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

 

Background: Coldplay-Fix You

 

 When you try your best but you don't succeed  

When you get what you want but not what you need  

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  

Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face  

When you lose something you can't replace  

When you love someone but it goes to waste 

Could it be worse?

 

*pause*

 

***

 

I've learn that no matter how much you smile, 

how much you laugh,

how hard you tried to hide how you really feel inside, 

it will eventually be useless in the end.

Fake smiles on the outside,

miserable and sad in the inside,

that tearing every part of your heart.

 

No matter how much you tried to fit in,

you will eventually failed in the end.

Because you're just another stranger and unimportant person who happen to be there.

Who happen to laugh and smile with them.

How many of them who really accept you?

 *insert sarcastic smile*

Accept you among them.

At the very end, you are still a stranger.

 

A stranger who try very hard everyday to put a smile.

 To fit in.

Unimportant person who try to make herself important to the people around.

Unimportant person who feel she was all alone.

Unimportant person who tried to be friend with everyone who will eventually left her for their bestfriend

and not even remember that she was there, wanting to feel important too.

Unimportant person who in the end sit alone in her room,

alone with just herself.

And thinking on how unimportant she is to the people around. 

 

 “Loneliness in a crowd of people was the worst kind of loneliness, but she couldn't help it.”

-Lauren Kate, Torment-

 

 “Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 

-Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper-

 

love,

nurulainfarhana

Allah, berikan aku segala kekuatanMu.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Hidup.

Ada duri, ada ranjau.

Ada masa kau gembira.

Ada masa kau derita.

Kau diuji.

Bertalu-talu.

Sehingga robek hatimu.

Jatuh, bangun, tersungkur.

Kau sendiri dalam ramai.

Kau senyum dalam perit.

Sunyi.

Pedih.

Allahuakbar.

love,

nurulainfarhana

DenganMu aku hidup.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Bila ujian dan dugaan datang bertimpa-timpa,

dan kau rasa lemah,

jatuh,

sedih,

menangis.

Ingat, Allah sentiasa ada.

Berat manapun dugaan, 

Allah tak akan duga kalau kau tak mampu hadapi.

love,

nurulainfarhana

In the end, everyone end up alone.

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Have you ever feel like you don't belong?

You feel like you're just a stranger trying to cope with the situation.

You fake a smile.

Hanya jasad dan senyuman palsu yang ada, hati dan fikiran melayang jauh.

Jauh memikirkan adakah kau benar-benar diterima.

Ikhlaskah?

love,

nurulainfarhana

'Bestfriend till the very end.'

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Cher Lloyd-Oath.

Yo, my best friend, best friend til the very end
Cause best friends, best friends don't have to pretend
You need a hand, and i'm right there right beside you
You in the dark, i'll be the bright light to guide you
'Member the times, times, times sneaking of the house
All of the times, times, times that you had the doubts
And don't forget all the trouble we got into
We got something you can't undo, do

Laughing so damn hard
Crashed your dad's new car
All the scars we share
I Promise, I swear

Wherever you go, just always remember
That you got a home for now and forever
And if you get low, just call me whenever
This is my oath to you
Wherever you go, just always remember
You never alone, we're birds of a feather
And we'll never change, no matter the weather
This is my oath to you

I know I drive you crazy, mm, sometimes
I know I called you lazy, and that's most times
But you complete me, and that's no lie
You are my tuxedo, and i'm your bow tie
We in the car, sing, sing, singing our song
Rocking the building, tear it down, like we king kong
And in my eyes, you can't do, do no wrong
You got the best friends sing, sing along

Laughing so damn hard
Crashed your dad's new car
All the scars we share
I Promise, I swear

Wherever you go, just always remember
That you got a home for now and forever
And if you get low, just call me whenever
This is my oath to you
Wherever you go, just always remember
You never alone, we're birds of a feather
And we'll never change, no matter the weather
This is my oath to you

I'll never let you go
Woah, this is my oath to you
Just thought that you should know
Woah, this is my oath to you

Yeah...
Wherever you go, just always remember
That you got a home for now and forever
And if you get low, just call me whenever
This is my oath to you
Wherever you go, just always remember
You never alone, we're birds of a feather
And we'll never change, no matter the weather
This is my oath to you
You should know, you should know, you should know
Woah, this is my oath to you
You never alone, we're birds of a feather
Woah, this is my oath to you.

I wonder if there's someone out there that I can sing this song to.

Just wondering.

'Bestfriend till the very end.'

Someone who's really there and never leave.

Someone that I can always call my bestfriend.

To share everything.

To love me as I am.

love,

nurulainfarhana.

I'm 20-to-be!

assalamualaikum w.b.t

dear niahanara,

Happy not so awesome-stay alone in my room in Segamat-away from family-New Year!

Oh I'm gonna turn 20 tomorrow!

Ni yang stress, lepas new year je birthday. Tak remajalah macam ni sobs.

Excited?

A big no no for that! 

20 maa, no more _teen something *dang!

Okay that's just so over reacting.

***

For the past 20 years, who am I?

What have I become?

Am I someone who can be proud of?

Am I somebody?

Am I a good servant of Allah?

Am I a good daughter to emak and abah?

Am I a good sister?

Am I a good friend?

Am I a good student?

Am I a good stranger?

What have I achieved?

I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrongdoings.

Have I done my best in everything I do?

 I really don't know.

And I wish new year and new age gonna make me a better person.

Another birthday that I have to celebrate away from my family and my loves one.

But I have my awesome friends around me here.

Hopefully it's gonna be a blast.

Few more hours Nurulain Farhana.

May everything much more better than before.

May Allah ease everything.

May Allah bless everything I do, and everyone I know.

Goodbye 19.

You've taught me a lot.

Taught me to be stronger.

Thank you for all of the great and bittersweet memories.

Tears, laughs, smile, up and down.

Really gonna miss you :')

love,

nurulainfarhana

p/s; Mak, I miss you! :'(